Losing a pet is a unique kind of heartbreak, one that can feel both profound and invisible. To help bring comfort, we spoke with Patricia Denys, MFA, a compassionate voice in the world of pet grief and healing.
Patricia is an artist, animal activist, creative director of Animal Culture magazine, educator, yogi, vegan, and an interfaith, interspecies animal chaplain ordained by the Compassion Consortium. She’s also a great friend of MUTTS.
In this conversation, Patricia shares her perspective as an animal chaplain on navigating loss, offering support, and finding gentle ways to honor the journey. Whether your pet recently crossed the Rainbow Bridge or you're reflecting on a loss from long ago, we hope this conversation brings you some clarity, comfort, and connection.
Understanding the Role of an Animal Chaplain
Can you explain what an animal chaplain does?
An animal chaplain helps animals live their fullest lives and helps them transition when it is time. They offer help to animal parents, animal care workers, and animal people in general, navigate stress, grief, and compassion fatigue. Animal chaplains also encourage stronger human-animal (interspecies) bonds, individually and communally. Animal chaplains offer help with end-of-life care, decisions and rituals (interfaith), and bereavement support. An animal chaplain is also there for celebrations and victories for all animals and our planet!
How did you become an animal chaplain, and what drew you to this work?
Our magazine, Animal Culture, interviewed Reverend Sarah Bowen, co-founder of Compassion Consortium and Executive Director of their Animal Chaplaincy Training Program. The program is interfaith, interspiritual, and interspecies, which was important to me. Sarah was a wonderful interviewee, and I became quite interested in the program after connecting with her. It seemed intriguing and intelligent, and an organic next step on my path of a lifetime working with animals. It was quite a commitment of study and well worth it. My fellow students were amazing, compassionate people. It was a very positive experience.
What kinds of support do you offer to people who are grieving the loss of a pet?
The first thing is listening, while being a calming presence for different needs from different people. Using gentle questioning to see what arises for someone. Reminding people that laughter is good and healthy, and part of healing. And, working on realizing that one does not stop loving someone after the transition.
Hospice and Palliative Care for Companion Animals, edited by Amir Shanan, Jessica Pierce, and Tamara Shearer, is an excellent book. In one of the essays, the writer calls mourning, “…a transition from loving in presence to loving in absence.” We work on that as animal chaplains.
Why Saying 'Goodbye' to a Pet Is So Painful
Why do we often feel that losing a pet is just as painful — if not more so — than losing a human loved one?
Those of us who have experienced the pain of the loss of a companion animal, or any animal, know this pain all too well. Humans have intense bonds with an animal they love or one that is a part of their lives somehow. Animals’ lives are shorter than humans’. The shock of that short life being over can be very hard to process.
Companion animals also demonstrate stability and routine. A big void is created when these things come to an end. Animals are sentient. They are aware. We see that time and time again. We want to be with them and protect them; they are our family.
How can we respond to people who say, “It was just an animal” or who don’t understand pet grief?
It is very disappointing to hear, “It was just an animal,” from anyone, especially someone you respect or that is close to you. It is the last thing anyone wants to hear since it is so insensitive to one’s feelings and to the memory of the one who has passed. What someone grieving needs is validation that their feelings of loss for such a profound bond with an animal, are understandable and real. You may choose to say that or not.
What are some healthy ways to process and express grief after losing a pet?
Definitely seek support from friends, family, your veterinarian, and/or an animal chaplain. Animal grief is in our mainstream now. There is no shame in asking for help, ever. One needs to talk about the loss. It’s real.
Consider taking a workshop on animal loss or creating a shrine, memorial, art piece, or photo book. Volunteering is also a great, healthy way to heal.
Do you have any advice for someone who feels stuck in their grief or like they should have “moved on” by now?
“Moving on” is a very individual thing. There is no time limit on processing through one’s grief. Accepting the loss and adjusting one’s life accordingly takes time. You need to take your time. If you feel that you are experiencing symptoms of prolonged grief, a therapist can be of help.
Helpful Ways to Honor a Pet's Memory
How can rituals or memorials help with healing? Do you have any suggestions for meaningful ways to honor a pet’s memory?
Oh, there are so many wonderful things you can do! Humans have always embraced rituals. It is a way to connect to something. A ritual may be something within your religious practices, your own spirituality that you find comforting, or the daily ritual of taking a walk with your dog. That is a ritual for both of you!
A memorial can be a powerful took for healing. It is a coping tool. It is a way to process. Creating an altar on a table for the one you have lost that includes photographs, something that was meaningful for that animal such as a toy, or adding flowers can be a positive expression of your feelings of loss. Re-wilding a small garden that encourages other animals to visit, or creating a small shrine you can carry with you are other ideas. Keeping a journal of your thoughts or sketches can also have a profound effect on healing. The simple act of writing to your loved one — what they meant to you, how much they are missed, what you enjoyed most about them, for example, is often a comfort.
As an artist and a teacher of art, I know creating art can be cathartic and healing, I conduct art workshops on loss and celebration of animals and the planet. They are for non-artists especially. It has been an incredible experience to see what people can create as a way to work out their feelings, and usually, how anxious they are to share with each other. It is a bonding experience about the power of love.
What role does spirituality or faith play in how people cope with pet loss?
One’s faith or spirituality can play a significant part for how one copes with loss. One may also be in a situation in which they do not feel the support they need or were hoping for due to the community they are a part of. An interfaith, interspecies animal chaplain is a presence for all animals, our planet and all faiths.
Supporting Others After Losing a Pet
How can friends and family support someone who is grieving the loss of a pet?
I would say the main thing is for someone not to be dismissive of an animal’s life, any animal! Be patient and simply listen. One does not have to solve “the problem.” Most just want to be heard by an understanding ear and to be validated.
What are some things people shouldn’t say to someone mourning a pet?
Number one is, “It’s just an animal.” Or ‘You need to move on.” Being dismissive or making someone feel guilty does not contribute to healing. The main thing you can do to help someone is to acknowledge their pain and be supportive and accepting. Be a good listener!
How can parents help children understand and cope with the death of a beloved animal?
Rely on your spiritual values. Work together to create a memorial that is age appropriate, such as making drawings or paintings of the animal companion, or planting a garden or a tree that you can watch grow and change with the seasons. Be honest.
Moving Forward After the Loss of a Pet
How can we deal with feelings of guilt after a pet passes, especially when someone had to make a difficult decision like euthanasia?
The terrible question of "Did I do enough" or "Did I do the right thing?" is part of the grieving process. Processing this takes time and support. Remind yourself that we do not want animals to suffer. Sometimes, we have no choice — and thankfully, we are able to relieve the suffering. Clarity can come from your veterinarian. I have always asked my dear vet, "What would you do?" He has always been “right” in his answers and then I know I have to deal with the healing part.
When is the “right” time to welcome another pet into one’s life?
That is a very personal decision, with many factors attached. If you are able and feel that empty hole in your heart, I always suggest: go to a shelter and save a life. That animal will thank you for the rest of their life, and you will be able to love in presence again. This in no way means you have stopped loving the one you have lost. I believe with all of my heart that the one you lost and loved so much would not want you to be lost and sad.
Books, Support Groups, and Other Pet Loss Resources
Here are some resources recommended by Patricia:
- Find An Animal Chaplain is a directory of animal chaplains with their areas of interest and location.
- The Compassion Consortium is a non-sectarian support center. They offer well-being resources, spiritual guidance, support, and community fellowship to vegans, vegetarians, animal rights activists, shelter/sanctuary workers, animal lovers, and all humans who care about and advocate for animals, habitats, and the planet as a whole.
- A Tribute to My Beloved Animal is a book by Dr. Katie Lawlor (Doctor of Clinical Psychology, Masters in Environmental & Economic Policy), Director of Veterinary Mental Health Support (VMHS).
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Patricia Denys offers art workshops and journaling workshops on animal loss and the celebration of animals and Nature. Learn more at PatriciaDenys.com.
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Looking for pet loss memorial gifts, suggestions for how to write a sympathy card, or more information about the Rainbow Bridge and what it means? Visit our MUTTS Rainbow Bridge page for more resources.
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